Spiral In

Plants and Buddha hunker down, immersed in rare cold morning with snow.

Spiral In

2/26/11

Seeds lie dormant

within garden of potential

occupying human heart, mind,

body, and spirit uniquely ours

as manifested this day and next,

each one an opportunity to root

beginning again the deep process

that eludes if forever engaged

by survival issues of capitalist economy,

like the magic of a plant's impetus to grow

tuned in and activated by Mystery

we also are miraculous incalculable entities,

beings who move and act for reasons

often beyond society's 'rational mind',

where inspired rhythms driven by connection

to Unknown Life Force play us,

will forever escort our consciousness

toward curious, wondrous adventure if open,

able to relinquish control of direction,

allowing self to be sparked intuitively onward

instigating an unraveling in cellular memory

tied inextricably to past, present, future,

letting go urgency of imaginary timetable

so we can thoroughly enjoy present moment

living the grace full immersion brings

when we spiral in following our soul's urging.

Wind And Rain

Scottish weather bearing down on Lochbuie coastline.

Isle of Mull, Scotland.

Wind And Rain

2//25/11

Why does my spirit soar

whenever Scottish like weather arrives

all blustery, wet, and powerful,

making no excuses, or taking names,

not caring what people think

just pushing things around

turning over what's been hidden

shaking loose old brown leaves,

breaking dead branches, saturating everything,

giving new posture to whole forest

moving limbs, trunks of oak,

redwood, madrone, bay, eucalyptus

in drunken orgy of clattering,

a radical dance to rare tune

as sounds whistle through air,

drops of water smack hard

against pavement, windows, siding, roof

with a diverse syncopated rhythm

constantly improvised, never the same

when sheets of fury are unleashed,

torrents carrying angry droplets

attack with ferocious 'kamikaze' energy,

stirring the ravenous beast in me

who'll create upheaval in mad search

for that which sustains raw aliveness

to match Nature's stormy wind and rain.

Stillness

A wonderful kind of 'mental floss'. Looking to the east from my workshop side roof.

Stillness

2/24/11

Waiting patiently

pen in hand

for words to surface

from calm breath,

mind that's open,

asking what wants light

hidden beneath feelings

of yesterday's making,

or culmination from many,

that creates residual

which becomes layered crud

blocking emotional intelligence

and guidance if ignored,

but I won't, can't,

being kind of addicted

to this personal expose

once just for self,

now splattered on blog,

a form of 'mental floss'

cleaning brain crevasses

clogged by experiences

leaving unhealthy debris

blocking effective synapse,

keeping me from recognizing

myself, life, as magic,

miracle, when entering stillness.

Resolve

I always resolve to finish a job I started, like Lani's retaining wall and redwood deck.

Resolve

2/23/11

If lucky,

persevering, brave,

most obstacles,

discomforts, illness,

conflicts, disagreements,

or dissonance

igniting emotions

that surface,

can lead

to resolution's

intertwining wisdom

in future

when remembering

process experience,

as darkness

leading toward

faraway light

at end

of tunnel,

the rebirth

into world

wholly original,

fully celebrating

life changes

embraced with

hidden resolve.

What's Possible

A 'layered' example of miraculous possibility taken from my workshop deck.

Loma Prieta with snow.

What's Possible

2/22/11

I like thinking anything is

even when life shows me otherwise,

in hindsight I see lost potential

imagining how things might have been

played out under different circumstances,

if 'only I had ...' or 'hadn't done ...',

half torturing myself with 'successful fantasy'

the old 'what if' game that entertains

until coming back to 'mean street reality',

is it any wonder why people escape

through distractions, self medication and such,

no longer willing or able to dream,

so tired of 'things not working out'

as desperately hoped and prayed for,

this diminishes key ingredients creating miracles

being so disgruntled with 'lot in life'

we given up looking or believing

that there are better options

wanting to make their presence known,

whenever we connect with indomitable Spirit,

our intangible unexplainable immutable Soul

intertwined within Mystery's 'great turnings'

forever witnessed through Mother Nature,

realizing our world consistently renews itself,

makes way for surprising layered diversity,

pushing the limits of what's possible.

Relinquish, Open

My open hand.

(photo by Art Durand Photography)

Relinquish, Open

2/21/11

Eventually time puts distance between

what once was, and no longer is,

where residuals of past dissolve, soften

all the tension unfulfilled desires bring

arriving as angst when ease, flow, cease

in concert with 'trying to make happen'

something that's not meant to be,

I witness this doing construction work

whenever obstacles find their way in,

ably obstruct ability to sally forth

accomplishing a certain aspect of building,

but invariably if I put it aside

doing what's obvious, self evident,

then my 'sub-conscious' tinkers behind scene

answering questions in the interim

until I view 'challenge' with new eyes,

realizing previous timing wasn't right

because new information was needed

for decisions and action to show themselves,

this is process I've experienced frequently

thinking it functions in many 'life territories',

not to push the river, instead listen,

pay attention inner landscape of acceptance,

decipher messages using language of the heart,

trusting through patience all is made clear

as I relinquish, open, stay true to Self.

First Day

The front of my 'tree house' home.

First Day

2/19/11

'of rest of life',

is a freeing thought

leaving past in dust,

all failures and success,

born to new moment,

this original rain, sunshine

that's never happened before,

not carrying any baggage

about should've, could've, would've,

just clean virgin slate

coming across yesterday's remnants

as if ancient treasures

abandoned from previous ancestral

resident I vaguely know,

who has left clues

to unfold my Soul,

resources, tools, books, ideas,

in old work buildings,

mysterious womb like den,

garden full of plants,

and house with items

which make me wonder

who arranged these things,

what sensibilities were inherent

within this human being,

generously leaving behind opportunities

for my first day.

Another Year

In motorcycle rain gear visiting the 'sentinel standing stone' and the Lochbuie 'stone circle'.

Lochbuie, Isle of Mull, Scotland.

Another Year

2/18/11

What have I done with myself

as it's not easy to remember

all that's transpired since last birthday,

but fortunately there is record

in all these books of 'pros-etry',

so I picked up last journal

started in previous April of 2010,

felt pang when reading first entry

'It's Time' stating what I'd begin

conjunct with writing new poetry collection,

seeing how I've been distracted again

from doing what I deem important,

to be fair, I've accomplished some

though not enough for my liking,

certainly time spent otherwise is worthy

while continuing to learn life lessons,

yet, as spoken by dear friend

added to my saying 'I'm crazy.',

she said, 'Yes, crazy and untamed.'

plus other reasons for loving me,

bringing thoughts how I've dampened Self

when trying to fit 'societal sanity'

that I never wanted, or could,

perhaps not meant in this lifetime,

where my strength, passion, drive, simply

arrives when living another year outrageously.

Reorient

Mid ride on Big Dipper at the Santa Cruz Boardwalk.

Reorient

2/17/11

It takes me time to readjust

after reading 'tea leaves' of 'what is'

reluctantly imbibing the antidote for lethargy,

apathy, that hangs on my limbs

like rotten fruit having evaded harvest,

when dreams, aspirations, miss their mark,

especially if they were mind altering big

where huge transformation would have ensued

effecting every territory in my life,

as an Aquarian this has often happened,

denying 'reality's' parameters for 'fantasy'

until bold writing is on the wall,

then it's back to my drawing board

taking stock of all I have neglected

once spell to illusions are broken,

though leaving love still worthy of belief,

risk, unwilling to think otherwise

being sentimental romantic fool like that,

often initial sadness turns to odd relief

when realizing how unprepared I was

for monumental shift if it materialized,

while again picking up pieces of Self,

seeing tendency to skirt basic truths

around what living demands at my age,

in this world, of ever changing circumstances,

asking me to reorient, restructure, constantly.

Clean Up

Cleaning up in my outside shower a couple years ago.

(photo by Art Durand Photography)

Clean Up

2/16/11

I can be sloppy in life

with relationships and interactions,

loose with my mouth, thoughts,

giving little regard to effect

until something strikes at heart,

awakens me, from ego centered stupor

when Aquarian nature can disregard

what anyone else thinks of me,

yet does, if informed of trespass,

which there have been plenty of,

some shown immediately, others later,

bringing sense of sad failure

from not being more aware, sensitive,

justly fair to family, friends, acquaintances,

again realizing how blind I can be

to the mess created by callous inattention

thinking in the end it doesn't matter,

but in meantime dodging invitations,

responsibility, to be positive influence,

create beauty, leave world better

for my being here at all,

without myriad piles of 'incompleteness',

resources not utilized, dreams undone,

because of procrastination, arrogance, apathy,

finally getting how things can be 'righted'

if I clean up past careless indiscretions.

Downtime

My dog Wing and I during 'downtime' kayaking on lake near Mt. Shasta, California.

(photo by Raven Stevens)

Downtime

2/15/11

We all need a break

from the 'catch if you can'

world of striving for accomplishment,

or when living becomes mundane,

gray, lifeless, while bone tired

of continued struggle onward, upward

if luckily on positive trajectory,

still very often hard work

to wake up and have at it again,

biding time for brighter day

when foreboding skies will clear,

make way for sunny new outlook,

most people know this pendulum

swinging us through moods, emotions,

where each extreme magnifies the other,

feeling really bad enhances future good,

and visa versa in comparison,

knowing joy amplifies intolerable sadness,

yet each reminds of transient

'This too shall pass.', eventually,

bringing gift of full emotional palette

helping us experience our Existence

as a wonderfully unpredictable adventure,

often times not really comprehended

until loss, or some great turning,

gives us pause to embrace downtime.

Just Me

Who else? Just me.

Just Me

2/14/11

I've come home to familiar place,

yet virgin, as life lessons find integration

since a mutual letting go of relationship

perfectly dodging Valentine's Day awkwardness,

my thoughts now return to what's wanted

in so many territories that are incomplete,

the plethora of dreams awaiting my energy,

passion, committed focus, and perseverance

which often take backseat to love,

intimacy, and presence partnering asks for

whenever the joy of such finds me,

of course, today it rains, but that's okay,

as this 'Hallmark' event is inward invitation

where I witness what my soul's been up to

at various points in past and present,

realizing again that I'm 'different bird'

than many who happily share living,

whether married, shacking up, dating,

and it's okay, I'm comfortable being freely alone,

not tied intimately to latest heart's desire

while we both go our separate ways

to care for neglected business at hand,

honoring ourselves, the journey of learning

unique to yesterday's circumstances and sensibilities,

then awaking tomorrow to an 'original self',

just me, newly loving who I am now in world.

Unanswered Prayers

Friends praying at shrine near Malin Head, northernmost point of Northern Ireland.

Unanswered Prayers

2/12/11

To be thankful for these

hopes and dreams without fruition

pointing me down different road,

instead of every desire fulfilled

just because I 'want it',

some ego contrived perfect fantasy,

and there are many daily

bringing frustration from missed 'entitlement'

predicated on society's maddening array,

any number that sidetrack authenticity

while keeping 'up with Joneses'

when comparing haves, have nots,

thinking greener grass is there,

no yonder, just beyond rainbow,

which makes me wonder about

fate, destiny, law of attraction,

the latest gimmicks for manifestation,

never quite 'loving what is'

always needing next little accomplishment

in order to feel empowered,

safely controlling Life's joy stick,

but perhaps missing core intention

whenever an unexpected result erupts,

reminding one of 'soul dictates'

attached to wired inner world,

unfolding through many unanswered prayers.

What's Balance

My sister Mary Ann and brother Keith balancing their lives with volleyball.

Main Beach, Santa Cruz, California.

What's Balance

2/11/11

In ever changing world

people find necessary routines,

for most around work

then shoehorn extracurricular activities

if time, after chores,

things that must happen

to support meeting ends,

the avalanche of bills

coming to visit monthly,

where frequently there's neglect

in mind, body, spirit,

when managing pent emotions

deemed inappropriate or disruptive,

inconvenient to say least,

while holding strict reins

to adapt into society,

even as we resist,

subtly surfacing passive aggressiveness,

tension, stress, often dissipated

through pressure release valve,

our mouths, words spoken,

shouted, screamed, disgusted with

capitalist military industrial complex

keeping us forever teetering

between sanity and insanity,

asking ourselves, 'What's balance?'

Change Many

Raised water tower structure in preparation for new foundation.

Lakeside Organic Farm, Watsonville, California.

Change Many

2/10/11

Habits can be hard to break

whether drink, drugs, tobacco, caffeine,

throw in sex and love as intoxicants,

then there's constant work for survival

unless you have lots of money

and even that brings patterned response

perhaps in needing more, as greed,

or worrying incessantly about losing it,

include our supposedly healthy routines

like this daily writing of mine,

for what, but to feel good, virtuous,

imagining I'm doing myself, others, service,

mothers, fathers take pride in consistency,

teach manners, etiquette, to fit society

which is full of norms and mores

on march toward progress in future,

all these dig deep grooves in us,

in brain's gray matter, through repetition,

and it's difficult escaping the matrix

created my emotional connection to life,

either from failings or successes,

the former, in relationship, often debilitating,

yet, I remember when quitting cigarettes,

where written in book that freed me

was wisdom, 'Pulling one item

from interdependent parts creates longing in rest.

Change many and your whole being finds transformation.

Unstuck

Expressing a little 'energy' in workshop with baseball bat and stuffed duffel bag.

(photo by Art Durand Photography)

Unstuck

2/9/11

It takes time, experiences,

to enter 'dis-ease' state

where tensions build up

infiltrate thoughts and action

creating energy for shift

that will continue magnifying

until some release happens,

which from patterned suppression

over years of living

many humans have learned

how to contain emotions,

tightly locking down expression

thinking it's courageous act

able to dissolve dynamics,

overcome triumphantly ones adversity,

even if 'inappropriate' anger

erupts through 'upper limit',

still, victory is claimed

for holding so long,

interpreting 'explosion' as integral

when remembering life lessons

so never to repeat,

perhaps, slowly is better,

unwinding in bits, pieces,

mirroring journey of 'distortion'

as healthy 'unstuck' process.

Make Sense

I've often been a little troubled in my life.

(photo by Art Durand Photography)

Make Sense

2/8/11

Every person views a different world,

feels emotions unique unto themselves

in varying magnitude, for different reasons,

and thoughts contemplated are diverse,

there is no one who can follow

or fit any mold our living might depict,

each of us alone on singular journey

though we may walk side by side

along similar path of understanding,

agreeing life plays out in patterned ways

with myriad systems to contemplate Mystery,

using filters that activate comfort, discomfort,

opening us for lessons, inspiration, wisdom,

again particular to personal place in time,

yet, I must shamefully confess

through my life and most recently responding

on blog where a dying man is writing his experiences,

bravely, without censor or apology

for how he's lived and who he is,

I arrogantly, minus sensitive forethought,

throw out my 'two cents' as if it mattered,

thinking I 'know something', have an exalted view

from my 'fragile glass house' on ridge top,

when in reality it reveals I'm a fool,

full of bravado, crap, just playing with concepts

to 'make sense' so I feel safely in control.

Contain Myself

Building blocks that I've often depended on.

(photo by Art Durand Photography)

Contain Myself

2/7/11

Periodically over near 57 years

I've found that hopes, dreams,

not rooted in realistic estimation

of what can possibly be done,

by me amid surrounding circumstances,

often convey how I overextend

in regards to finance, relationship,

projects at home wanting accomplishment,

arrogantly thinking how I'm capable

just by waving hand with bravado

as if all is destined to happen

because of innate intelligence, energy,

gumption, that's certain to pull it off,

until building block here, there,

is shown to be an illusion,

perhaps once having real substance

but now, due to neglect, it fails

while intangible passionate desire fades,

only appearing in shadows of past

memories of how I used to be,

within disconcerting personal pattern

Life again gives me renewed chance

for evaluation with discerning eyes,

what capacity I have as older man

hopefully wiser from repeated experiences,

to joyfully contain myself through daily living.

Little Progress

Rare moment of simple relaxation without doing anything at Seabright Beach.

Santa Cruz, California

(photo by Art Durand Photography)

Little Progress

2/6/11

At end of week or day

I'll take stock of efforts,

see if results boost morale

and placate my inner critic

who is perfectionist at heart,

often accused of lacking one

when discernment turns to judgment

wanting strict consistent performance

without much room for pleasure,

thinking there's always more to do

in many of life's territories,

which is true to great extent,

but balance must have it's way

taking time to rest, catch up

with spirit, all my parts

for recharging, then ... anticipate future

feeling into what I want to happen

from relaxed place that's enjoyable

with no need to perform right now,

instead dream of final completions

whose memories and legacy are possible

if I continue with strategic pace,

intention, and direction that produces,

pleases me, plus those I effect,

whether it's two forward, one step back,

a little progress is preferable to none.

Crucial Focus

Kite coming down to earth at Pescadaro beach in California.

Crucial Focus

2/5/11

It's easy to drift,

play with possibilities,

as time slips away

onward into Unknown,

where reality dissolves

becoming this moment's thought

that colors perception,

neither here nor there

it slides around,

touches, activates brain synapse

in illusory cosmic dance

without connective roots,

floating above physicality

perusing the playing field

of all life's territories,

marveling diverse, flexible Existence

that is kite in wind,

only tethered to humanity

by semi-conscious link

of brain mind, heart emotions,

which are often chaotically

juggled in midair

until solidity arrives,

descends, as turbulence dies off,

peaceful spirit regains foothold

inherently bringing crucial focus.

Only Now

Contacting my muse.

(photo by Art Durand Photography)

Only Now

2/4/11

My mind plays with options, scenarios,

whether anticipating tomorrow work flow,

arrangements in trailer turned writing den,

images of playing softball after year off,

envisioning art studio and things to create,

plus any number of home, land projects,

all with underlying 'feel good' properties

when entertaining thoughts of active completion

while staying disciplined and on purpose,

I also wonder about what future holds

in regard to evolution of love relationships

with faith Life will show itself perfectly,

but uneasiness arrives before my curiosity

as any number of possibilities take hold

each time I 'try on' how it might transpire,

then corresponding scenes become dominoes

revealing as they fall what could happen,

who I'd be, become, according to results

based on who I'm with and my age,

what will 'home' look like to accommodate

shared dreams for self, partner, perhaps family,

presently all residing in Unknown Mystery,

and eventually I'll find peace with this,

even get excited about discovery, adventure

of stumbling upon destiny of 'what's true',

reminded only 'now' is where transformation begins.

Another Level

Abandoned 'tin mine' on the southeastern coast of Cornwall in England near St. Agnes .

Another Level

2/3/11

Discomfort is evolution's precursor,

like canary in coal mine

warning of danger if ignored

while pointing toward appropriate shifts

to ensure continued healthy surfacing

of what's needed to survive and flourish,

unsettled uneasiness can arrive in extremes

because of too much or too little,

a swinging pendulum that's crazy making

with no time to relax between

for both contain fear at core,

underneath there are different kinds of teachings,

many archetypal that generations before knew,

yet for individuals, no matter age,

unique strains accompany stages of living,

each with own form of urgency

recognized by clenched throat, stomach,

making heart race with dread

wondering capacity to transcend angst,

whether if what's required is within me,

am I willing to turn world upside down

in search of 'essential truths'

waiting as revelation when following scent,

coming back to 'self and life',

always the only relationship that matters

when asking to advance yet another level.

Shifts Are Coming

Latest clean cut look.

Shifts Are Coming

2/2/11

When I look around

after blinders are blown off suddenly

from some incident that's intolerable,

incongruent with what's wanted,

then I get fired up to act,

pull in reins on 'loose goose',

'feel good', 'living in a dream' world,

by bringing up my rear guard 'realist'

who begins a warrior's regiment

to oust any enemies of peaceful existence,

mine, or on this miraculous blue-green Earth,

'back to basics' is the creed shouted as command

with symbolic gestures of cutting hair,

letting go ideas about cultivated image,

while starting tally of 'what is'

in every territory that's my life

using designs and systems of self diagnostics,

having my 'soul as witness' do the discerning,

seeing what antics 'ego' has been up to

called 'robes of distortion' or 'personas',

who often believe they run the show

and have frequently from time to time

whenever I sleepwalk, become undisciplined,

so now renewed allegiance is pledged

toward vitality, integrity, maintaining a balance,

that's powerful, creative, clear and active,

realizing shifts are coming to my existence.

Fuel

Being 'tempered' and 'powered' by the fires of life.

(photo by Art Durand Photography)

Fuel

2/1/11

Emotions like anger and disgust motivate,

bring big energy to change existing circumstance

if aimed at problem, not at oneself,

even though I perpetrated the predicaments,

those unwanted situations that demoralize,

make me question, wonder my intellect,

how thought process got me irritably here

feeling a bind which threatens everything

because there's desire to tear asunder

the apathetic normalcy I've accepted,

this glass house trying to accommodate opposites,

a good little conformist, and disgruntled rebel,

latter being pacified if all goes well,

but when things go badly, unexpectedly so,

due to discerning 'edge' having been softened

which allowed for missed details over long period,

in hindsight judged as lost opportunities to progress,

then the 'Mad Celt' wants to cleave,

wreak havoc on old debilitating structure,

throw out and burn all that kept me asleep,

dull, satisfied with little civilized ideas, comforts,

my routines, philosophy, and world view

giving false sense of controlled satisfaction,

where in ashes, rubble, once known as complacency,

I'd search, discover the powerfully worthy real truth

to fuel rebuilding inexhaustible fiery core.

Try Again

Moving energy at Seabright Beach, Santa Cruz, California.

(photo by Art Durand Photography)

Try Again

1/31/11

It's all I can ever do

upon remembering yesterday's disappointment,

or some hole I've dug for myself,

whether debt with soaring interest rates,

work that's turned into unexpected struggle,

relationship shifting from 'choice point'

agreed upon, but not enthusiastically so,

where again I look within, without,

take stock of my accumulated predicament

placing discerning value on efforts,

witness how I've let ball drop

on dreams, in territories thought potent

as part of destined master plan,

while holding myself responsible, accountable,

with no one else to blame,

recognizing personal nature and patterns,

how in striving for spiritual life

of 'first peace' filled by equanimity

that I've fallen into complacent malaise,

forgetting my ancestry and kingly duties,

to live excitedly inspired life, fruitfully creative,

unwilling to ever entertain emotional defeat,

give up on my promise and potency,

be apathetic about inner, outer domain,

instead, releasing anger, I recommit 'Self' to renew efforts,

courageously try again, awaken, and refine my sensibilities.